Infertility, IVF.

When is enough, enough.

When is enough, enough when do you stop and give up on yours dreams, some people say you should never give up but sometimes I think you have to change your dreams.

My dream was always to have two children it always has been when I met zac and you have that conversation of how many children you want I always said two and he always said three and we used to laugh about who would be right. It seemed neither of us was it seems we are only to have one beautiful child. And I know that there are people out there that will say we are lucky to have one and we are I know we are but does that mean that I am not allowed to want another child and that I have to have that choice taken away from me. Most people can say let’s have another baby and then worry about the expense a bit later but for us we have to find £8000 to try to have a 2nd child and that’s just one go? It took us 5 goes to get our gorgeous boy. So we decided to give it one last go to see if we could get another miracle but sadly it didn’t work for us. We did everything the same as before with our cycle with Jackson but it wasn’t meant to be and as a family we decided we could only go once more. I couldn’t keep going through the heartache of a negative going through all the injections the mood swings the anxiety and the waiting and it all being for nothing. I don’t want Jackson to miss out on things because we can’t afford it as we are saving our next £8000. 6 rounds of IVF we have had in total actually 6 and a half as one got cancelled half way through due to me being ill and only one of them was successful – round number 5 my lucky number…

6 times I have been injected daily in the stomach for 4 weeks (sometimes two injections a day) and then daily injections in the bum with a very large needle for 2 weeks… 6 times I have done that and only once has it been worth it only once have I been in pain for a reason. Each time you have to pick yourself up and go again. Each time my heart has broken that little bit more that I don’t have my babies. Every time I have had two embryos put back in that 11 babies that I would never get to know or see or hear, 11 babies that I have lost but will forever have a place in my heart.

I think my heart actually broke when I got that last negative I realised that my boy will never know the close bond you can have with a sibling. I am very close to all of mine and I hate that Jacks will never experience that. I’m sad that me and zac won’t get to love another child because I feel like we have a lot of love to give. It annoys me and frustrates me that you have people in the world that can keep on having children when they are awful parents and they beat their kids and abuse them and they have them taken off them and put in care but then they can have another one just like that!

The ache I have for another newborn of my own will always be just that, an ache I can not cure and I will have to try and help that ache by spoiling all my nieces and nephews and friends children that will be born in the future and getting my newborn fixed that way. So I am giving up on my dream and it’s the hardest thing I think I will ever do but I feel like it’s the only option we have. My new dream is to give my Jackaboo the best life he can have and shower him with all the love I have 😍 I may be down at the moment but I will get back up fighting as that is what I do xx

Infertility, IVF., Uncategorized

Bit of a catch up 

So What a crazy few weeks it has been! I have neglected my blog for a while which is bad but I just haven’t had the time or energy to do it. 

So I am now currently 19 weeks pregnant something I thought I would never say. These last few months have been wonderful but also scary. So first of all I feel like I should say that when I say wonderful I mean that I am finally pregnant, the actual process of it all not so much… I don’t know if it is because I have always built up being pregnant as this amazing time and I would be glowing from day one and feel great and I wouldn’t have a care in the world but I was very wrong. I was sure that as soon as I got that positive test the worrying would stop but it didn’t in fact it got worse every little twinge I would think this is it and I was forever in the toilet knicker watching now this has eased a little bit but everyday I get a bit stronger and realise that this could actually be it and that really I should enjoy everyday as much as I can so that what I’m doing but it did take me a while to get my head to do this haha.

So I was quite lucky in the symptoms of pregnancy as in although I felt sick I never really was maybe once or twice but it could have been worse… For me I just felt sick but I found if I ate something little I was ok. The tiredness is what got me hard! I was exhausted all the time and still am really… My bedtime was 8 up until I was 12 and half weeks now it’s about 9.30 so a bit of progress. The headaches are what have been effecting me and I think will do throughout I have always suffered from headaches/migraines and just reached for the nurofen something I can’t do anymore so it’s been trying to sleep them off and lots of water which don’t always work. Hormones are all over the place I cry I get angry and then I’m happy but I think that is normal. I think they are balancing out a bit now but who knows haha. My poor husband have got the brunt of it but he has taken it well which I am grateful for.

So we have had 3 scans in total one at 6,9 &12 and baby has been measuring average however my bump has not haha I think I am big… What do you think? 

So my 20 week scan is just over a week which I can not wait for as one I get to see jellybean again but also I can go baby shopping, I wanted to wait until I was half way which I nearly am ekk. 

Last week I started to feel a bit of movement not kicks as such think that will come later it feels maybe like bubbles  something deffo moving in there and I love it! I just can’t wait until hubby can start to feel it too. I normally feel a lot when I am lying down and relaxed.

So that’s where we are up at the minute I will try to keep this a little bit more up to date as we go along… 

Here are some of our scan pictures so far 

I decided to announce the pregnancy on social media after years of seeing other scan pictures and the amount of lovely comments we received was overwhelming Everyone I have told so far as been so happy for us it is so lovely to hear 
Hope everyone else is good xxx 



It’s one thing I am no good at all never have been… Birthday, xmas it would drive me crazing having to wait and it’s the one thing you have to have when doing IVF. If it’s not waiting to start or the 2 week wait it’s waiting for appointments. I am currently sitting in the clinic waiting room waiting to see a nurse to check that we are all ok with starting next month ekkkk quite excited about this cycle. We have already seen the doctor last week who is going to try all sorts of new things like aspirin, embryo gen and some injection which he told me the name of but I have forgotten haha so I’m happy we are trying new things I just have to wait and be patient to when we start and to be seen. 😝 xxx

Infertility, IVF., Uncategorized

Scan day… 

So our scan was last Tuesday so I haven’t updated sooner I have just be crazy busy. So the appointment was at 3.30pm and I have to say that it was the longest day ever we decided to go to lunch to try and keep our mind off things for a bit and hope that it would speed up time for a bit… It didn’t it was so slow! The main thought that was going through my head was we wouldn’t see a heartbeat or they wouldn’t be able to find anything and that it was just the drugs that were giving me the positive test. Finally 3pm came around and we made our way to the clinic and at last 3.30 came around and the clinic was actually running on time which never normally happens so I was very grateful for that. My friend who has also had IVF told me when she had her 1st scan they couldn’t find her baby for a good couple of minutes so I wasn’t to panic if they didn’t find anything straight away I mean they are the size of a grain of rice? So you can understand why it could take a while. Well we didn’t have to wait they found our jellybean straight away! We have one beautiful baby in there with a very strong heartbeat. As soon as I saw that flicking heartbeat on the screen I burst into tears, the relief just washed over me. I have dreamed of that moment for so long and I couldn’t believe we were finally getting it. All the waiting had paid off I know we have a long way to go but I am going to enjoy every minute of it and try not to worry so much about the bad stuff that could happen. 

So we have another early scan on the 4th of July as because we had 2 put back in they want to make sure one wasn’t hiding but they think it is only one which we are happy with 💜 And then it will be only about 2 weeks until our 12 week one so we  will see our little jelly bean again so I’m very happy about this. 

I still can’t believe this is all happening to us but like I said I am going to enjoy it as I have waited so long for this xxx

Infertility, IVF., Uncategorized

1 week until the early scan

So we have one week to go until we have our scan at the clinic and it is dragging. I thought the 1st two weeks were hard but this I think hard I’m forever thinking it is going to be taken away from us or when they scan there won’t be a heartbeat it drives you crazy. 

I have done a couple more tests so test day and they were darker each time so that is definitely a positive.

The injections each night are still ok the bums ones are starting to hurt a bit but don’t really looked bruised but my poor belly is really looking sore…

I really am a human pin cushion not sure when I have to stop all the injections think I will find out at the scan. At the moment it is all working so I am quite happy to carry it all on I can get through the 5 minutes of pain. 

So we have 7 sleeps to go until we fine out everything is ok and if it’s one two or even three ahh who knows!! We will have to find out xxx

Infertility, IVF., Uncategorized

Well it’s test day…

I can’t quite believe I am writing this but the test is positive…..

I have no cramps or bleeding so it is all going well so far. I know there is a long way to go but we have never got this far before so I am going to get excited. 

I don’t really feel any different had a bit of a headache yesterday and I have been a bit tired but that’s it really. I do find it funny that when I am doing this process I am more aware of my tummy/womb and if I feel anything like a twinge etc I think is it my period is it something else I probably have them normally throughout my cycle but I don’t think you really pay attention to them. 

I am now just waiting for the clinic to open so I can give them my result and get a scan booked for 2 weeks xxx

Infertility, IVF., Uncategorized

Transfer day

So this morning we had 2 embryos put back in… They told us we had one really good one, that is the best quality we have ever had so I asked for the grade and they said 3AB which is the 2nd best it can be so I am really really happy… The 2nd one was not as good quality but still a blasto so who knows… Right now I am just happy to be PUPO with twins and just pray that they stick. 

Sorry embryo number 2 was hiding so not a great photo
I am still feeling really positive about everything which I am really thankfully for. The injections in my bum are going well yes they hurt a bit and my bum does feel pretty bruised right now but it’s bearable and if it helps these little babies stick I would take one every day for the rest of my life! I have also started having another injection that helps with the blood clotting – Fragmin but that’s in the belly with a tiny needle so I’m ok with that one. I feel like a human pin cushion.

We have only told a few people this time round, my mum and dad and a couple of friends who one actually guessed I was doing it and in the end I couldn’t keep lying to her face. I really am praying this time that with all this extra stuff we have being doing it will work as I really want to able to tell the rest of my family and friends those magically words I’m pregnant… At least once a month I go to my mums for dinner and the whole family comes we always make sure we are there and that’s when I plan to tell them all and that’s what I keep picturing in my head and I think that is really helping with the positive attitude. I also picture me with a baby right before I go to sleep it may all be silly but it’s helping so I am going to stick with it. 

So for now I am a very happy girlie and I am hoping this positive attitude stays with me through the dreaded 2 week wait… Hurry up the 27th May test day 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻 🍀🍀🍀🍀 xxxx

Infertility, IVF., Uncategorized

The magic number

so we have just had the call and they managed to inject 8 eggs in the end and 6 have fertilised which is a fantastic number we are very happy with that. So it’s a waiting game again we will get a call tomorrow and if one stands out they will put it back tomorrow but they think with that number we will go to Monday to a blastocyst. We are also trying a embryo glue called embryo gen which is to improve the message between the embryo and my body so the doctor has said he may only put one back as it will be a really high risk of multi births. But if they are not good enough to freeze which they never have been in the past I am going to ask for 2 because I feel like it will be a waste otherwise? This is our last chance and I am throwing everything at it 😃😃😃😃😃 xx

Infertility, Uncategorized

Injections of prontogest

So a new thing the clinic are trying is injections of prontogest instead of the pessaries and so this is the 1st time for me having them so we have just had a major melt down… Now I’m not very good st needles but I have got use to the ones I have in my tummy and I even do some myself now I find if I’m in control of them I relax more with them. But these ones have to be done in the butt and I can’t do them myself and hubby has to do them. So already I’m on edge and then I see the needle!!

It’s huge

Then the tears started, I worked it up so much in my head you would of thought it was going to be the worst pain ever I feel a bit silly now but at the time it was very real and I do that a lot make it a lot worse in my head. Hubby was very patient and did it and to be fair it wasn’t that bad so hopefully tomorrow it will be a lot calmer xxx

Infertility, Uncategorized

Egg collection day 

So the original plan was egg collection to be on the Friday the 13th but after having my scan on Monday they decided to bring it forward to today Wednesday the 11th. I went for my scan on Monday and the results was 16 follicles overall which I think is great as I only had 9 on Friday but I did find out that my left ovary is a lazy moo haha… Friday we had 4 follicles on the left and 5 on the right… Monday we had 4 still on the left but 12 on the right so the right one was definitely making up for lazy lefty 😝 

So at 7am today we were at the clinic ready to go I was 1st one down so that was good not too long to wait.. At 8am I was on the bed going to sleep and when I came too it was 8.30am so hardly anytime at all… Although I did come round with the tube down my throat which was not nice and the taste was foul but overall I think it went well I was in a bit of discomfort but that was to be expected. 

Then it was the waiting game to found out how many eggs we had… At 11.30 we found out 9 eggs and 7 of them are mature and 7 is our lucky so I’m very happy…  They also said hubby so sample has improved so that’s a bonus And now it is another waiting game to see how many make it.

Come on little eggies xxx