When is enough, enough when do you stop and give up on yours dreams, some people say you should never give up but sometimes I think you have to change your dreams.
My dream was always to have two children it always has been when I met zac and you have that conversation of how many children you want I always said two and he always said three and we used to laugh about who would be right. It seemed neither of us was it seems we are only to have one beautiful child. And I know that there are people out there that will say we are lucky to have one and we are I know we are but does that mean that I am not allowed to want another child and that I have to have that choice taken away from me. Most people can say let’s have another baby and then worry about the expense a bit later but for us we have to find £8000 to try to have a 2nd child and that’s just one go? It took us 5 goes to get our gorgeous boy. So we decided to give it one last go to see if we could get another miracle but sadly it didn’t work for us. We did everything the same as before with our cycle with Jackson but it wasn’t meant to be and as a family we decided we could only go once more. I couldn’t keep going through the heartache of a negative going through all the injections the mood swings the anxiety and the waiting and it all being for nothing. I don’t want Jackson to miss out on things because we can’t afford it as we are saving our next £8000. 6 rounds of IVF we have had in total actually 6 and a half as one got cancelled half way through due to me being ill and only one of them was successful – round number 5 my lucky number…
6 times I have been injected daily in the stomach for 4 weeks (sometimes two injections a day) and then daily injections in the bum with a very large needle for 2 weeks… 6 times I have done that and only once has it been worth it only once have I been in pain for a reason. Each time you have to pick yourself up and go again. Each time my heart has broken that little bit more that I don’t have my babies. Every time I have had two embryos put back in that 11 babies that I would never get to know or see or hear, 11 babies that I have lost but will forever have a place in my heart.
I think my heart actually broke when I got that last negative I realised that my boy will never know the close bond you can have with a sibling. I am very close to all of mine and I hate that Jacks will never experience that. I’m sad that me and zac won’t get to love another child because I feel like we have a lot of love to give. It annoys me and frustrates me that you have people in the world that can keep on having children when they are awful parents and they beat their kids and abuse them and they have them taken off them and put in care but then they can have another one just like that!
The ache I have for another newborn of my own will always be just that, an ache I can not cure and I will have to try and help that ache by spoiling all my nieces and nephews and friends children that will be born in the future and getting my newborn fixed that way. So I am giving up on my dream and it’s the hardest thing I think I will ever do but I feel like it’s the only option we have. My new dream is to give my Jackaboo the best life he can have and shower him with all the love I have 😍 I may be down at the moment but I will get back up fighting as that is what I do xx